The Name is Nica but You May Call Me Controle Freak

It was three o’clock and I was set to be way on time to catch my flight back to the Netherlands after staying at my best friend’s place for five days. Everything seemed to work out perfectly. They did search through my carry-on luggage but after checking my watch and realising I still had plenty of time I calmed myself and just carried on.


I had checked-in the night before and messaged KLM to check whether I could use my phone as a boarding pass. My suitcase was packed the same night because I like being prepared (also because I overslept the day I flew to England and was saved by the fact that all I had to do was get dressed and get to the airport. I am a controle freak which means that while I had prepared everything as well as I could (I charged my phone while sitting at this coffee place) I silently slipped into a small anxiety attack when I realised the gate was not yet known.

My e-boarding pass said the boarding would start at 16:40 and as time started to pass the gate remained unknown. Normal people would just sit down and start reading a book or something. I realised that I was almost 2 hours prior to the actual flight at the airport so in the beginning I was quite relaxed. I even helped a lady with a survey to pass the time. But boarding time was creeping closer and I still did not know the gate. I got up and walked around, maybe there was some service desk at which they would be able to tell me the gate… No such luck Chuck, there was only a special needs desk which was abandoned. All the other flights towards Amsterdam were leaving from gate 1-10 so I was very tempted to just go that way but too scared to do it.

Now this may seem very insignificant and I am in no way scared of flying but the idea of missing my flight because I would not know the gate in time just stressed me out. The sign did say when the gate would open but this expected time was later than my boarding pass said the boarding would start. Walking back to the seating area I sat down next to a small family, I asked the lady if she knew anything about the announcing of the gates but she didn’t, she could tell I was quite nervous and tried to calm me by telling me that their flight did not have a gate yet either. I managed to sit still for 5 minutes, after that I got back up and started walking to the special assistance desk. I was so consumed by my thoughts that I actually walked right past it and when I did find it there were still no employees and I felt to stupid to dial the number.

I contacted KLM but they could not help me either so there I was. I was not having a proper panic-attack but the space started to feel very small and crowded and after talking to one of the store employees my nerves were still not calmed. The timer on the gate opening was ticking down but when the gate should have opened there was still no info. At that point it felt like my heart had stopped beating and somebody was stepping on my chest. As soon as they announced the gate I rushed off.

Sitting at the gate I figured I would regain my composure but the rushed feeling never did leave. It also did not help that the guy sitting next to me looked over at me every 2 minutes which led to me being absolutely creeped out. I have never felt this sick during a flight and even when I was back home I still felt this very panicky. The feeling actually stayed with me till Tuesday night when it finally started to subside gradually.

I just absolutely hate finding myself in situations where I am not in controle. I am slowly learning that I will never have it entirely my way. There will never be a situation where I am 100% in controle and that is okay. We live and we learn right? I know today’s post is not as happy or cheerful but I do believing in sharing these things that trouble me, as I like to refer to my blog as my little space on the internet.


Why I am more like Bridget Jones than I Care to Admit

When your parents get divorced you often go through a rough period. Memories of that period are often more negative than positive and my experience has not been any different. One of the good memories that I do have is watching Bridget Jones with my father his girlfriend (now wife) and always realising that my life would probably run a similar course (eleven year old Nica was already very aware of her personality). So today I thought it would be time to write down why my life is so similar to hers. Here we go!


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Well Hello Sun

Well is today not just a perfect day? Yesterday I had the pleasure of singing in a local pub as part of an activity organised by my study association. I somehow managed to forget my lines as soon as we reached the second verse, I really do not understand how it happened but I just laughed and laughed and after someone saved me by providing me with the lyrics on their phone I just went with it. When I woke up this morning I felt pretty bad. I had not had that much sleep and also managed to have a terrifying nightmare. Yet when I walked to my regular Body Shape class my entire mood changed.


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Fitspiration? More like Fitfrustration

As I am writing this I have just returned from the gym (I also managed to almost throw myself off the stairs in the gym because I got caught in my sweatpants…). Now we are slowly nearing Spring which means that everyone is more focused than ever on getting a beach body. I am a firm believer of the fact that every body is a beach body but the ever so confronting thought that I am only 21 years old and find myself entirely exhausted after running up one flight of stairs does motivate me to get my lazy ass in gear.


Literally the only pictures I have of myself coming even close to working out are on horseback

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Why my Dad Will no Longer Let me in the House and my Mom Fears for my Ears

Every little girl has dreams and while I was no different as a child my dreams did go all over the place. As soon as I realised that Disney would not conform it’s plastic princess slippers to the size of girls with humongous feet (represent!) I let those dreams fly out of the window. I then discovered an entirely new world made-up of Avril Lavigne and P!nk and soon my dreams reached to the other side of the spectrum. At the young age of 6 I had decided that older me would have pink hair and a pierced nose. If you would ask my father what he thought about those plans he would probably tell you that I would set myself up for a slutty future.


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Not Today Snow… Not Today

It was early Saturday morning, my alarm was set extra early because I still had to do my chores, take a shower and look decent for work that day. Slowly but surely I got the things done that I needed to get done. I had a little extra time so I decided that I was going to really take my time with my make-up. Classes had just started that week so for the most time I was basically rocking the homeless-look: hair that looked attacked by a raven, bare-butt face and outfits that were based on my 5 year old pair of UGG boots.


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5 Songs Perfect for Studying

We all know those days where you find yourself looking at a long list of things you still have to do, finals you have to prepare or essays that still have not written themselves. What helps me is to put together a nice playlist full of songs which are nice but not too distracting. So today I want to share with you my 5 favourite songs which are perfect for studying or just chilling with a nice cup of tea.


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Taming the Beasts

I believe that every experience in your life shapes you as a person. While there were not many things that I knew for sure as a child. Two things I do remember, is that I have always been a little diva. I demanded to have those Disney plastic slippers every girl had however, due to my taller than average nature they never actually fit. The other thing is that I have always had bushy eyebrows. They were nice and thick but as insecurities became part of my everyday life my sister convinced me to let her pluck them… They have never been the same.


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Happy 2017!

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year’s Eve! I sure did (something about shamelessly introducing myself to a gold medal winning Olympian, don’t ask). While today has been mostly about doing nothing and just enjoying Harry Potter movies with my roommates, I have been thinking about what I want 2017 for me to be about. 

Last year I came to the realisation that most of my life and choices revolved around seeking approval of my surroundings. With every step and turn I would worry about what others would think. Right around August I realised that this was no way to live, not for me. We are so focused on constantly pleasing the world around us that we tend to forget ourselves. Now I am by no means advising people to behave selfishly but I would like to encourage you to question yourself if you giving yourself enough credit. 

So for me 2017 is going to be about me. About working on my self-image, about challenging myself, about making sure that I am doing everything I can. You may be one of those people who think it is rubbish to have New Years resolutions. However, I believe that having such clear line may actually help people with their set goals. So do not think they are silly, your resolutions. Just do not be too hard on yourself. In the end you are going to be the one who will always be there with you. 

Besides, I’m just glad that 2016 is over. While it has not extremely bad for me personally, it did have a bad vibe. 2016 was one of my least favourite years which is why I’m okay with it being in the past. Finally, I just wish you all a happy new year full of love, happiness and great opportunities.