It was three o’clock and I was set to be way on time to catch my flight back to the Netherlands after staying at my best friend’s place for five days. Everything seemed to work out perfectly. They did search through my carry-on luggage but after checking my watch and realising I still had plenty of time I calmed myself and just carried on.
I had checked-in the night before and messaged KLM to check whether I could use my phone as a boarding pass. My suitcase was packed the same night because I like being prepared (also because I overslept the day I flew to England and was saved by the fact that all I had to do was get dressed and get to the airport. I am a controle freak which means that while I had prepared everything as well as I could (I charged my phone while sitting at this coffee place) I silently slipped into a small anxiety attack when I realised the gate was not yet known.
My e-boarding pass said the boarding would start at 16:40 and as time started to pass the gate remained unknown. Normal people would just sit down and start reading a book or something. I realised that I was almost 2 hours prior to the actual flight at the airport so in the beginning I was quite relaxed. I even helped a lady with a survey to pass the time. But boarding time was creeping closer and I still did not know the gate. I got up and walked around, maybe there was some service desk at which they would be able to tell me the gate… No such luck Chuck, there was only a special needs desk which was abandoned. All the other flights towards Amsterdam were leaving from gate 1-10 so I was very tempted to just go that way but too scared to do it.
Now this may seem very insignificant and I am in no way scared of flying but the idea of missing my flight because I would not know the gate in time just stressed me out. The sign did say when the gate would open but this expected time was later than my boarding pass said the boarding would start. Walking back to the seating area I sat down next to a small family, I asked the lady if she knew anything about the announcing of the gates but she didn’t, she could tell I was quite nervous and tried to calm me by telling me that their flight did not have a gate yet either. I managed to sit still for 5 minutes, after that I got back up and started walking to the special assistance desk. I was so consumed by my thoughts that I actually walked right past it and when I did find it there were still no employees and I felt to stupid to dial the number.
I contacted KLM but they could not help me either so there I was. I was not having a proper panic-attack but the space started to feel very small and crowded and after talking to one of the store employees my nerves were still not calmed. The timer on the gate opening was ticking down but when the gate should have opened there was still no info. At that point it felt like my heart had stopped beating and somebody was stepping on my chest. As soon as they announced the gate I rushed off.
Sitting at the gate I figured I would regain my composure but the rushed feeling never did leave. It also did not help that the guy sitting next to me looked over at me every 2 minutes which led to me being absolutely creeped out. I have never felt this sick during a flight and even when I was back home I still felt this very panicky. The feeling actually stayed with me till Tuesday night when it finally started to subside gradually.
I just absolutely hate finding myself in situations where I am not in controle. I am slowly learning that I will never have it entirely my way. There will never be a situation where I am 100% in controle and that is okay. We live and we learn right? I know today’s post is not as happy or cheerful but I do believing in sharing these things that trouble me, as I like to refer to my blog as my little space on the internet.